Go ahead.
You can say it.
Throwing an orgy at your boss’s house is always a bad idea.
I’ll concede that in this one, particular instance that’s true.
She was out of town all week- so what could go wrong?
Gloria’s going to kill me.
This place is destroyed.
I’m gonna have to call a carpet cleaner.
And an upholstery cleaner.
Do they have drape cleaners?
I wouldn’t have done it, but I ran into these models at the Spearmint Rhino, and they were looking for a place to party.
They also thought I was a producer, probably because I was driving Gloria’s Aston Martin.
It had been so long since I’d worked a real con, so I got a little carried away.
I knew my editor and her husband’s place in the Hill’s could pass for a producer’s pad, so I took the whole bar there for an afterparty.
It was crazy, there were models, strippers, booze, drugs and some sketchy fuckers I never should’ve let in the door.
By midnight coked-up girls were getting naked and it all seemed worth it.
It was nuts.
I saw shit I’ve never seen in porn.
After a couple of hours everybody was screwed out, and started to get cranky when their buzz wore off.
Guys started arguing, then outright fighting.
One guy stabbed another!
Another two busted through Gloria’s dining room doors and baby grand piano.
There was screaming and someone yelled “gun” so I just ran off into the Hills.
I didn’t come back ‘til the next morning, and everyone had abandoned the house.
I think some stuff was stolen, but I’m not sure.
All I know is there’s blood and semen and sweat and ash and mojitos everywhere.
And an ear.
I found somebody’s ear.
I’d try to get it back to the owner, but it’s too late to put back on now, anyway.
There’s no way I can get this place right by tomorrow.
I’m not just out of a job, I’m going to have to hit the road again.
I don’t want to grow my hair out or speak in an Australian accent.
I liked being a reporter, and having an apartment and a Starbucks where they always know my order.
Dammit.
Well, I have no choice.
I’ve got to go face the music.
Or…
I could get some hobos drunk and make it look like they ransacked the house.
Whatever works.

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